Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
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I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]