Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
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Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw