The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
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I thought I liked salads鈥urns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
All I鈥檓 saying is if I was murdered there鈥檇 be a lot of suspects
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Don鈥檛 watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
time machine? you mean a clock?
This is from an actual conversation 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Scientist: We don鈥檛 really know exactly how that happens. They鈥檙e performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn鈥檛 order) like they鈥檇 met me.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.