[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
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I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Autocorrect completely socks
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Me, reading some of your tweets
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.