yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
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I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
🤣😂
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
You got this…
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic