Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
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ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT