I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
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Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?