How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂