[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
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“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.