It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
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I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*