how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Lucky old June.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms