“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
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[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”