*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
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“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
meanwhile over on facebook
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail