Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
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11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Woke up against my better judgment again
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
“I’m helping” 😅
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.