I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol