My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
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Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.