My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
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I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Cha-ching is my safe word
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.