i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
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*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
brian had himself a morning…