The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
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*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Become ungovernable.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.