Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
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My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
i was baptized in a car wash
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.