Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
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An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Ron is short for Aaronald