My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
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Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
is this how new cars are made??
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
No chill.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Optional boss fight.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Breaking news:
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me: