My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
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Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.