Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
You Might Also Like
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.