[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
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Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.