What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
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Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
The human personality is made of five key elements
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer