“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Whoa… oh I see lol
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.