The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
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Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Easy enough.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.