Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
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Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Oceanography is all about current events
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.