Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
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Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*