I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
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Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*