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Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around