me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
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“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
How animals would run if they were human
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk