Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
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Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.