her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
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Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing