Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
what’s more important?
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order