Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
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Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps