Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
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my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Banderslack Clamberdorch
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I want what they have
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.