But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
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My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living