BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
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My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.