I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
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I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”