[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.