Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
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Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Pringles
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Stop sending me this shit.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad