My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
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What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”