H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
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a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face