Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
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I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.