[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
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im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here