[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
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Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea