Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
You Might Also Like
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.