He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.